And the Crazies come out of the woodwork.....

I know it has been I LONG time since I last posted but here is a rundown starting with the most recent.

This CRAZY chick that I kicked out of my house 6 1/2 years ago, just found me on Facebook. I mean no big deal because I blocked her and changed all my settings but still she is CRAZY!! Some of you know who this is some don't but she is leaving inappropriate comments on my friends pictures. So yeah. If you really are friends with this person I'm sorry, but here is her screen name here on Facebook is :Jacob Dee Artee Schram.

Jacob Schram is her BF's name. I'm not a fan of him so much either but Dee is a Psychopath. She tried to poison me when she lived her. NO BS and she went crazy and broke all my stuff and ripped up my Trent Reznor poster that had be my friend Jenny's and was given to me years prior. It was like my most favorite thing in my whole house. She and Jacob also stole A TON of my stuff and pawned it. Including the Tanzinite necklace me dad gave me for my 19th birthday. My mom was out of town so my dad pick it out on his own!! Usually my dad would have gotten me something dealing with electronics. Anyway... Don't add this crazy bitch if she sends you a friend invite. Moving on.

Most people I have know for any amount of time know about my back. Well within the last couple of years it has gotten out of control. I went in last week for a Diagnostic Nerve Root Block. My Dr. told my I would be under CONSCIENCE SEDATION. I checked in. I got called back to one of the hospital registration desks. My mom was out of town and my dad was supposed to be there and meet me so he could pay for it. He was there but unfortunately he got lost in the hospital and made it to where I was right after I paid. Then we go upstairs for me to be prepped for the procedure. Did I mention How nice ALL the people at Saint Anthony's are? I got into my room changed into my wonderful hospital gown. But Despite of the hospital gown I got several compliments. That is always nice to hear even if it's from a complete stranger. Then I get taken back for the procedure. They put what must have been a minuscule amount of Verced in my IV. (sp?) The Dr. put the needle in my back (no big deal because i have minimal nerves working in my back.) he put the needle into the nerve and at the beginning it wasn't that bad it shot pain down my right leg which I have everyday, then he went into the middle of the nerve. Oh my GOD!! It felt like I got hit by a truck going 50 mph, in my hip. I yelled so loud I was surprised my dad and husband didn't hear me in my recovery room. I started yelling " YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME ENOUGH VERCED. I FEEL THAT I AM NOT SEDATED!!!". After that he was done he had already injected the dye, epidural and steroid into the nerve and it was done. He then asked me what my pain was on a scale of 1-10. He asked before the procedure and it was a 8.5 after it was a ummmm....25? Don't get me wrong he didn't do anything wrong and I still like him as my pain management Dr. It didn't didn't turn out that the L4 right nerve is the source of my back pain but it is for the pain in my right leg. It's just another piece of the puzzle. I have a GREAT team of Dr.'s working on me including the best Neurosurgeon in the state. I believe in them and that they will eventually be able to fix my back so that I can play with my kids again. This is not my best writing but it is 6:30 in the am and I haven't slept yet. I promise I won't go so long with out blogging, for awhile anyway. Night Night. ZzzzZzzz.......

Where did i go?

I find myself feeling more and more jealous of people and things. I hate feeling this way but I just can't help it. Everyone that gets to go on a vacation without having a horrible wreck, everyone that has some sort of talent, everyone that has an outlet for their said talent. It's dumb that I feel this way. I don't have any of that. I am not really good at anything. Scott spends a good majority of his time playing music which makes him happy and relives stress for him. I AM happy for him and proud of his talent. I just feel so lost. I am tired of watching everyone be happy while I am so damn miserable. Yes i know the saying "Life is what you make it". That's all great and all to say it but right now I just feel very trapped. Scott has been getting more and more frustrated with me, every time I try to express how I feel or if I say "I really want to go somewhere" He gets angry and yells " SORRY I CAN'T GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED, I'M SORRY I'M FUCKING UP YOUR LIFE! ". I don't feel like he's fucking up my life but it does suck to watch him have a great time going to practice and playing shows meanwhile I sit in the shadows and clap. I have a very small number of friends and what friends I do have hardly ever come visit me. Oh and one of my friends pretty much thinks that if I am in a good mood then I must be a drug addict. I am becoming bitter and very Jaded. Maybe I should get back on anti depressants then maybe my life will still suck but I just wont care as much, but the last time I told my Dr. I was having some postpartum depression he basically told me to "get over it'. I try so hard to put on a happy face when other people are around but when I'm alone all I want to do is cry. I cried for over 2 hours the other day for no real reason at all. It just feels like everything that I keep trying to push down so that I don't depress other people, just comes bubbling over and I just can't hold it back anymore. Where did I go wrong? Sorry for my pity party of one. I just need to express myself without judgment. Except I probably will be judged anyway. Debating on putting this on my myspace blog. There is only one person that even reads this blog and that's my sister. Thank you Melessa for being my only reader. I love you.

Updates

I took Gabe to the Dr. today and he weighs 20lbs and 12oz which puts him at the 20% for weight and he is also 30in tall which puts him at 60% for height. His head circ. was in the 70%. hahaha I have always said he has his daddy's big head. The Dr. does not think there is anything wrong with his weight and thinks he is right on track. As most of you Know Gabe turned 1 on Sat. June 27th. We had a very successful party even though it felt like it was 900 degrees. I posted pictures and video. So if you haven't checked it out yet you should. My cutie baby is now considered a toddler. Time sure flies.....

In other developments i got a call from my Allstate claim manager and she informed me that they have decided the wreck was NOT my fault. YAY!!!!! The next step is calling the Arlington police dpt. and setting up a court date so i can go down there and fight my ticket. So we will see how it goes. So there you go......that's about all the updates except that Keagan decided to cut his own hair today and now he has this Fryer tuck look going on so looks like his head is getting shaved tonight.

I should have stayed home.

I decided last week after my last post to go on the trip. I got it all worked out and it was more complicated but it worked out. I rented a car and brought my mother and the boys down to Texas. I had also made Amtrak reservations for Scott for the next day. The Trip started out fairly well we started making good time until we hit Ardmore where we were stuck in traffic for about 30 mins at a stand still. (really bad wreck in which kids were hurt, made me bumbed out the rest of the day) Well we arrivied at Great Wolf Lodge right at check in and things started off well. We got into our room changed to put our swim suites on under our clothes and went to eat. After dinner we went and played until 9 when the water park closes. The only irritating thing about that day was that when I left my mom with Gabe and Keagan in the kiddie pool, so I could do something fun, Keagan ran off from her. Normally I woulh have been worried about this with the exception that Keagan was wearing a life jacket, knows how to swim pretty well and they have about 100 life gaurds around at all times. They even to mock drowndings with a dummy every half an hour or so to keep them on their toes. Got back to the room the kids seemed to go down with out to much of a fight and all and all the day went pretty well.
The next day I went (with the company of baby Gabe ) to go get Daddy from the Fort Worth train station. Thank you GPS on my new Iphone, I would have never foud it with out it.!! Then we went back and stayed and played at the water park until about 7 pm. That evening went well and I was having a good time. The next day we went to Six Flags. Now I am going to go off on a little side note here. I know why it its that I love Disny World so much better that Six Flags and my reason is this......The people at Six Flags are RUDE!!!! And the people at Disney have always been very kind. Any who.........We had for the most part a good day at Six Flags despite my sunburn. We then went back to the hotel and my sister and her crew got ready to head out that night. I decided to stay one more night because I thought I would be to tierd to make it back after a day in the sun. The next morning I got up, got packed, loaded up the rental car and we headed for home, with talk of possibly stoping at GW's exotick animal park on the way home. We hadn't even gotten on the high way before it happened. We got into a very bad car wreck. Bad enough that I can't belive me made it out ok. I was in the left hand turn lane waiting to turn onto the on ramp for the high way. I waited for my GREEN ARROW to turn and then I looked saw the green arrow and the solid green light and preceeded with my turn. Right in the middle of my turn I heard my husband screem "OH FUCK!!!" I look to my right just in time to see hus get T-Boned by a 350 lb chick eating the worlds largest buritto and talking on her cell phone. She hit us at a speed fropm somewhere between 50 and 60 mphs. With enough force to push us 5 feet onto a concreat median. The most miraculus part of the whole thing is the lady hit us right where Gabe was in the car and he didn't even wake up!! Keagan on the other hand was sobbing. He wasn't hurt just very scared, much like his mommy. The woman told the cops she was going 25 mph!! BS!!!!!! There was no way, sorry not for the amount of dammage to the cars. She had a brand new Honda Accord wich i now reffer to as the Honda Accordian. Her whole front end was smashed in. I got a ticket for "failier to yeild right of way"
I have been talking to my Allstate claim mannager and today I found out that the other woman did NOT get a ticket!! My entire family mostly my dad wasn't me to fight it. And if you know anything about my dad he is never gung ho about taking things to court. I am a good driver i know I am and I know that I looked and had a green arrow. So what should I do? Even though I had fun I have this feeling like mybe I shouldnt have gone. The Only thing I keep thinking and this might sound srange but I think my friend Gabe (who died in a tradgic car wreck when we were in high school) was our gaurdian Angle protecting us and his name sake.
Thank You Gabe, you saved our lives!!!!

The gap is widening.

Tuesday one of my sisters is taking a trip to Texas with her kids to go to the Great Wolf Lodge. I have really been wanting to go there since it opened last year and now that Keagan is old enough he yells " I want to go there!!" everytime they show the commercials for it. I told my DH that we were going to go sometime at the begining of June but we didn't have the date quite down yet because my sister had to figure out her work schedule. She told me last week that she was wanting to go on the second. Ok no big deal....right? Two days ago my DH band mate called and asked if he wanted to play a show on Tuesday and oh course (he never consults with me before making such arrangements) he agreed. Now I am sitting here trying to figure out what I should do. Do I take the kids by myself on the Amtrak and rent a car when we get down there, or do I skip it?

CONS

*Keagan is at the age of no reasoning with and Gabe is at the very wiggley i want down and crawl stage.

* We only have one car that is drivable right now and that is the van in which my DH needs to transport his drums.

*My eldest sister and her kids won't be there.

*My DH isn't even going to get any money for play this damn show.

PROS

*I found a really good deal on a rate.

*I think taking him somewhere fun might help with his attitude. (When we took him to Disney World he was the best behaved I had ever seen him.)

* I think I need to have some kind of fun before I have a nervous brake down.


The thing that makes me really upset though is that i asked him what he would rather do and he said play the show. I am so sick and tired of having to schedule our lives around weather he has band practice or a show. Even the damn birth of our youngest had to be scheduled around his show schedule. Duriing the last Month and a half of my pregnancy I had contractions two min. apart and he would still go to practice.DH is a great muscian and he has a gift, I am just tired of coming second. Why in the hell did I marry a musician? I feel like there is just this giant gap growing between us and he wants to do nothing to fix it. I don't know what to do. I have been so depressed lately. DH and I don't hardly even sleep in the same bed anymore. We have to take shifts with the kids because if we don't Keagan will wake up before us and escape out into the front yard in his PJ's. Neither one of us belive in getting a devorce unless there are circumstances that deserve one, so that is pretty much out of the question. This is way off topic but he hasnt gotten me a birthday, Christmas, Anniversary or mothers day presant in two years. It was so bad the this past Christmas Keagan asked me while they were all opening their presants " Mommy why are you not opening any presants? " I just told him simply while looking at my DH " because mommy didn't get any this year. " Well I guess that all for now. DH had to go take his mom to the hospital because she is sick so I will probably be alone all night.

..........Great Gabe just woke up. No sleep for me tonight.

I need to get fit

I am trying my best to get in better shape. Even though it sounds goofy the Wii fit is really helpful especially on those days I can't or don't make it to the Gym. I know that it works because the other night I spent the night at my sisters house (I was watching my 13 year old nice and her friend while my sister worked a night shift.) and I did the Wii fit for 2 hours and for 2 days and I can completely tell it's working. My legs are so sore from doing squats and Yoga. According to the Wii I need to lose 11 lbs to reach optimum BMI. I just want a body that I am not ashamed to be seen in a swim suit in. The problem I have is because of my back I am very limited on what exercises I can do that will not strain my back. Hopefully I will get in to see a Dr. this week. I don't want to have surgery before the summer though because I want to be able to have fun on vacation. I don't know maybe I could heal fast? I have never had a prosthetic disc before but I am happy about the prospect of not having anymore back pain. :D

The run-a-round

I have been dealing with back problems since I was 16. Every time I went to the hospital they would tell me that is was a pulled muscle. Well that went on for awhile and after PT I went back to the Orthopedist and discovered I had no reflexes in my right leg. Finally someone realized there was a problem. I was diagnosed with a herniated disc and had surgery when I was 18. Here I am 8 years later and it is happening all over again. Apparently my former neurosurgeon did NOT get all the disk out. What he left I guess tried to regenerate and then tore. I also have scar tissue forming around my spinal chord. I found this out after my latest MRI. Of course since I have no insurance I couldn't find a neurosurgeon to read my results so I have to go get the report myself and decode it using medical websites and medical books. Now I have found a neurosurgeon that does prosthetic discs and doesn't require insurance but they wont see me until I go to a general practice doctor. Geez.... Well I found one but he wont be in his office until after noon next Wed. Maybe someday I will get this taken care of. I don't even have anymore medicine left for pain.